Graf #7

Todd is a name that means so many things to me but screams of complexity too. Maintenance man, chef, tool man, carpenter, wood worker, friend, lover, man who lost a child too, best friend are all ways to describe him too but none of them help me perfectly express the complexities of the journey that we endured together. None expresses the Hope we have lost and the Hope we hold for our futures’. Hope for us is a way to remember, reflect, and race forward simultaneously.

Yes Todd is my best friend and my fiercest defender and we have been many things to each other over the years but the one thing that has outlasted all the storms, heartaches, and sorrows is best friend and confidant. There is nothing I can’t tell him even if it’s the worst sin of my soul. There is nothing he hasn’t seen so I’m willing to bear it all including my soul. People say friends can’t be lovers and if your lovers you will no longer be friends. We have been both but the most important has endured and that is our friendship. We lost a child at 18 weeks her name was to be Hope. Under the direst of circumstances friends who became lovers survived tragedy moved on to separate lives but are connected forever in grief that defines where we have been as well as where we may go. I desperately wanted a child and after my husband exited stage left and with my life in shambles and after I digested the shock I longed even more for a child. I had 6 miscarriages over my 15 year marriage. My best friend stepped in to help me fulfill a dream and at the time maybe we made a bad decision or maybe a good decision but we made it and it changed our relationship and our lives irreplaceably. The loss of our daughter altered us again and I chose to want my friend back as I believed we were better friends than lovers. Over months of pain and indecision which was like a ring toss that you occasional rung a bottle but you missed a lot more often we moved forward and back simultaneously. We continued to cohabitate for support as we both tried to move forward and in different directions. Now our lives our separate but he is back to being my best friend and confidant. Each of us now has a relationship and both are equally serious and when I need to talk, cry, or scream he is there and when he gets commitment phobia and is running scared I kick him squarely in the seat of his pants.

Friends, lovers and life changes I believe to be intricately connected like the workings of messages in the brain as they jump synapses we know what happens but can’t exactly explain why the messages end up with different results in different people at different times. I think divorce, losing over 100lbs, losing my job, my child, and my life gave me the unique perspective to reevaluate my life. I believe it gave me courage to ask the tough questions and strength to articulate them as I regained my sense of self. That then gave me in rediscovering who I am the ability to make tough choices like the choice to keep my friend instead of my lover. Todd was not happy and struggled with the choice. He adapted as did I but we survived and ended up in a good place carefully watching over each other’s shoulders eager to see the road ahead. I believe for us we have come full circle. The best way for me to define friend is simply Todd. Friendship is founded in hopes and dreams and for us Hope is eternal. My friend and I hope to face our trials and tribulations together and someday hold Hope again in our arms.