Graf #6

My reaction to the I Search Paper that I’m going to write can only be described as Paralyzing Fear. I’m so worried about this I may finally get my wish of straight hair. Seriously I’m that boring type of learner that would like nothing more to sit in a class and listen to a lecture take notes go home transcribe those notes and study them repeatedly. I would much rather be told I have to write a 50 page research paper on an assigned topic than have to decide on my own topic. I would say I’m losing sleep over this but I’m and insomniac since age 19. I’m definitely experiencing level 10 anxiety.

I, being a traditional learner liked how the papers have a strong format but because it doesn’t look traditional to me I’m looking for a topic that will fit the format more than I’m looking for something that I’m invested in as an interest. I know if I want it to show the real me, the voice behind it all, I’ve got to get past this mental block. It’s like I’m a cell trying to reproduce but yet not ripping apart and splitting which would then allow me to share my DNA.

I read and study all the papers thinking if I approach it logically I will be more successful. I like the structure that the complete papers have and I hear the authors’ strong voices. For me personally not many of the subjects were of a particular interest to me. I see why a lot of folks wrote about green houses and additions as it fits well in the format but these people were the voice and really wanted to build these things. I’m sad to say I don’t want to make a wedding cake,and I’m sorry to say Goldfine I don’t have an interest in picking out a dog and know almost nothing about them. Building anything, potty training anything, orthotics all out but well written and they all have a voice however I know none of these would match my voice.

I’m pondering and stirring a pot of racing thoughts and ideas. I try to pull the ideas that stay in my brain for more than 30 seconds in front of me in an imaginary pot and stew them and stir them hoping to find my voice. I have a myriad of interests, the top of which would be the human condition followed closely by medicine of any kind particularly as seen from a nursing aspect. I have a partner, boyfriend, lover or whatever label applies now of almost 2years. We melded together in the worst minutes of both of our lives because his wife and my husband both picked the same week to introduce us to their new lovers and new lives. This experience bonded friends of ten years in a new way as we faced a life crisis together. Months later our friendship became a relationship and we entered a new future together. I diverge but he has a son age 16. I have known and had a relationship with the child since age 6 and now I have a different role in his life that I don’t know how to traverse and it is one that scares me to the depths of my soul. Teenager in general frightens me because I constantly worry about his future. He is facing huge changes in his life coupled with huge changes in his family, home, and his sense of self. The stress is manifesting itself in plummeting grades, outbursts of rage followed by tears. Also some other strange and potentially destructive behaviors that are far from the norm for this child so this is definitely an interest. Alzheimer’s disease is a huge interest as I have been unfortunate enough to face it in my own family and it is the longest and saddest goodbye. Geriatrics and aging would be up there on the list as well as anything related to WWII and the greatest generation. So in my stew pot I’m mingling war, aging, teen aging, the human condition, medicine, Alzheimer‘s disease, nursing and quite possible the effect of stress on curly haired girls. I will continue to stew.

My stew pot is full and getting ready to boil over and my hair seems a little less twisty. My head is aching and I’m preparing myself for an uphill climb. I love the format and the idea you will really learn but I’m hoping a topic will magically appear in my pot that matches who I am and then I can began the real work.