Effect Essy #6...page 2

This has been the second effect of returning to school to lose my haven. I’m thankful that my comrades have continued our out of work network and keep me apprised of all bean business. I know in my soul this is the last chance for school and that this is a gift is still has affected my heart to lose that part of me. I’m sure that when I’m done I will get a medical assisting job and if not I feel confident there will still be a spot for me as a Beaner.
The third effect on my life of choosing to return to college has been the only positive one and that is an opportunity to find me. I lost myself in my 16year marriage, tragic job life, child loss, spiraling depression and returning has given me a chance to seek the self. Before returning to college I had started the process of starting my life over. I had lost 162lbs without surgical intervention, I had returned to running something I had forgotten I liked, I had dealt with my husband leaving on the physical lack of him level. I hadn’t yet dealt with divorce which I have explored this semester while learning about grieving in psychology and writing it out my feelings in my English class I was able to assess my hidden fears and emotions. Writing reminded me of all the good things in my life and interests I had long forgotten. I have studied my strengths, my weaknesses, assessed my learning style and am a much different student than I was 20years ago when I went to college. I’m a better student because I’m older, more driven, and despite all the loss and horror surprisingly not easily distracted. I’m able to speak up more freely even if it is controversial. I stand up for people when it is unpopular to do so and I continue to remember things I used to like before I was married. When I was married I lived under the reign of a dictator and had forgotten what it was like to live in a democracy. I had forgotten my very self.
I’m excited about how this journey will end but I remember each day to enjoy the trip not just the destination. Even if it was the day you lose your partner and your bean haven these effects on my life have still taught me something and are worthy of review. The reawakening of me of course is the best effect of all though it is not all puffy pink flowers it also contains hidden razor blades of poison it still means I’m moving forward marching into time and seeking a better self. The effects of my return to school are good and bad but I believe obtaining the degree will be worth the tough minutes of the journey as I also learn about who I may become. I think Robert Frost’s poem about the two roads defines the experience for me as I’m certainly taking the road less traveled.